Have you ever received a voice text and thought, “You know what would be better? A good old-fashioned voicemail.” Something you can actually listen to while folding laundry, walking the dog, or stuck in the carpool lane. Apparently, some folks now treat voice texting like their personal Notes app — and I’m the lucky recipient of their daily life dumps. It’s not happening to everyone yet, but oh, I see it coming. A few friends are teetering on the edge of this brave new audio era. I’m watching… very closely.
Not to worry—I’ve already survived the voice memo apocalypse once. My brother Ari was the King of WhatsApp voice messaging. We’re talking 15 to 20 messages in a row, each around 30–40 seconds. It was like a one-man podcast: “People & Things That Annoy Ari.” Luckily, WhatsApp lets you speed up playback—hearing him rant at 1.25x made him sound like a furious Brazilian gringo on a mission. Me? Always replying by text—typing was my first love. Those Mrs. Klempeer 7th grade typing class skills don’t fade, you know.
Of course I’d gently ask him to respond to me via text instead, because his voice messages weren’t exactly G-rated. Zoe would somehow always be within earshot of his stories, and suddenly we’re learning new vocabulary—loudly. But Ari refused. “It’s easier for me,” he said, “I like to talk while lying in my hammock with the breeze on my face watching the people who piss me off.” Okay. Fair. I respected that this was his thing, his pulpit, and I along with all of his friends were his unwilling congregation.
It’s been two years since Ari passed, and I must admit—those voice messages are golden to me. I listen to them and smile. He ranted like no one else, and hearing his voice go off about someone trying on 5 dresses and not buying anything (he owned a clothes store), or his neighbor always complaining that his music was too loud (he was also a DJ) or the hotel workers taking their breaks in front of his store it hits differently these days. From the most mundane to the most outrageous, every complaint is a cherished memory.
For those of you that don’t know: WhatsApp voice messages don’t expire unless you or the person on the other end deletes them. A voice time capsule if you will. Ok, enough of the melancholy.
Now, onto the platforms. Let’s talk about how people send these lovely little audio snippets of chaos:
1. Snapchat
Let’s just get this one out of the way.
- You’re too old.
- Unless you have a child, niece, nephew, or are low-key spying, refer to point #1.
- Snapchat is the land of youth, disappearing messages, and random Bitmoji faces judging your every move. I don’t belong there. Neither do you.
2. Instagram
My friend Marti is a big fan. She’s always on the move, and when inspiration strikes, she hits that mic before the thought vanishes. She’s what I call the impulsive voice messenger. With her, I don’t mind. She has this soft, sultry voice that makes even criticism sound like a compliment. She could tell me something negative and I’d thank her. “You are too nice to people, stop saying yes to everyone” she says, and I’m like, “OMG I’m radiant, thank you!”
3. iMessage
Ohhh iMessage… how I loathe thee.
Once you hit play, it’s gone. Poof. You can’t preview, rewind, or even see how long it is. So now I’m listening to a possible endless monologue not knowing whether I’m in for 8 seconds or a full TED Talk. My friend has a friend who has this habit of firing off iMessage voice texts like she’s writing morning pages for Kelly Ripa—Spoiler alert: it’s not working for anyone. Honestly, who needs the blow-by-blow of your coffee ritual, elevator chit-chat with the security guard, and your 15 outfit changes before 9 a.m.? Save that Pulitzer-worthy saga for your memoir! But shhh… don’t go spilling this tea—I’m not trying to be that kind of gossip. Okay, maybe just a tiny bit.
4. WhatsApp
The OG. Still my favorite. You can speed it up, hit play whenever, and—if you’re lucky—hold onto years of your brother’s epic rants about every shopper and nosy neighbor he’s ever encountered. Timeless drama, right at your fingertips.
As for Me? I’m the Hot Mess Trying to Reply
I’ve tried voice messaging back. I really have tried. My finger starts strong, full of hope—then slips off the mic like a flustered actor forgetting their lines but trapped on stage. Take five, still trying to sound spontaneous. No app is safe—I’m a hot mess on all of them.
🎤 The Moral of the Story?
Give me voicemail. I actually don’t like talking on the phone anymore—probably PTSD from my teen years when the phone was my life. But a good voicemail. Now that’s a love letter packaged neatly. It gets to the point, has some drama, laughter and best of all, the person usually ends by saying, “No need to call me back.” Now that is true love.
So yeah, send me your WhatsApp voice notes. I’ll fumble through them, laugh, cry, and probably curse my touchscreen with my clumsy index finger. But don’t worry—I’ll save the good ones, because sometimes the longest, messiest messages are the ones you hold on to.
